


What If I Didn't Let You Go

by capn_cecil_ang



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Angst, Boys Kissing, Hurt, M/M, Memory Loss, Mental Health Issues, POV Second Person, POV Third Person, Pills, Post-Episode: s01e04 Cyberwoman, Retcon (Torchwood), Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, bad mental state, hurt/ comfort, slight hints of future relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-23
Updated: 2014-11-23
Packaged: 2018-02-26 18:44:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2662460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/capn_cecil_ang/pseuds/capn_cecil_ang
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack is not that forgiving after whole Cyberwoman incident and he fires Ianto. Little does he know Ianto is more reluctant than he seems. Or maybe Jack just couldn’t really let him go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What If I Didn't Let You Go

           You are kneeling next to a cold body of your girlfriend, tears streaming down your face uncontrollably. Others are standing over you, their guns pointing to the ground. You don’t dare to look up to them; you don’t want to. You don’t want to see the pity in their eyes – the fake sorrow. If they were really sorry, they wouldn’t have executed her like this.

Over the noise of broken electricity and the sound of your sobs you can hear a quiet command for others to go upstairs. There is a swift shuffle and then you can feel only one pair of eyes on you. Jack is silent for a long time. He doesn’t say nor do anything. Then you feel a heavy hand on your shoulder.

“I’ll take you home,” he says firmly and you know there is no space for complaints.

“Why? Why you even care?” you find the strength to ask.

“Someone needs to do it.” he says plainly and you can hear the coldness in his voice. It convinces you even more. He doesn’t care. He just... can’t.

“Just come,” he says, resolutely.

But you don’t want to leave Lisa just like that, just lying there. He seems to know what you’re thinking of when the next thing he says is: “Owen will take care of her.”

So this is it? You want to ask. This is how it’s going to be? They’re going to dump her somewhere in the bay? Or freeze her in morgue? 

“Come,” he says, his hand leaving your shoulder and you find yourself longing for his touch for a split of a second; longing for any touch at all- for simple comfort anyone could give you. But you know there is no one. No one who would known your pain or just remotely understand it. And so you slowly stand; and you leave the ice cold body of your girlfriend lying on the ground. You look at her one last time, your vision blurry through the veil of fresh tears streaming down your face.

            The ride to your flat is deadly quiet. Your eyes seem to be drained out of tears and so it seems you can’t cry anymore. Yet you still feel the relentless pain eating you from inside. You feel sick and dizzy, yet still you want to turn around and run back to that cellar, where your whole life ended in one second. You feel disgust and anger towards the man sitting next to you, driving through the night to your flat. You want to punch him, to stab him right in his heart, so he would understand what it feels like being broken and dead inside. He’s cruel and merciless and you don’t want to see him ever again. And yet still, somehow, his presence gives you much needed comfort, a piece of solace you seek so much. You can’t understand this and you don’t even try to. You just rest your head against the window and look at the night sky above you. If only you could turn back the time.

            As soon as you reach your apartment you aim to the bathroom. You can’t stand the feel of Lisa’s blood on your hands anymore. You let the sound of cold water ease your mind as you quickly strip off your jacket, tie and shirt. You throw your clothes on the toilet lit, reminding yourself to get it cleaned later. But right now, right now you don’t see the point of it. You don’t see the point of anything. You stand there only in your vest, looking at the stream of water dropping down on the marble surface of your basin. Your eyes travel to the forgotten razor blade on the side of it. You were so stressed today, knowing that Dr. Tanizaki will come to take a look at Lisa, that you forgotten to put it in place after morning shaving. You look at it now however, contemplating. How worse it could be on the other side? What change would it do? There is nothing for you know. Not anymore. Your hand unconsciously moves towards the blade, holding it firmly. What if?

            Suddenly a noise from the kitchen brings you back to reality. You quickly wash your hands from Lisa’s dried blood and make your way to the kitchen.

“Sorry, I’m a bit clumsy,” Jack smirks as he victoriously holds the glass which he retrieved from the pile of drying dishes next to sink.

“What are you still doing here?” you ask, anger, annoyance, and relief all mixed up in you.

“Just wanted to make sure you won’t do anything stupid.” he says and drinks up the whole glass of water. “You should keep yourself hydrated,” he points to the second glass, situated on the counter next to you. You look at the glass, only now noticing its presence and unconsciously extend your hand to it. But you stop in the middle of the motion, sending Jack a hard gaze.

“Like you care,” you growl at him, clenching your fists. “You don’t care about anyone, Captain Jack Harkness.”

“Maybe I do,” he says, but his eyes are cold and distant.

“Alright then. If it means so much to you, I will drink your fucking water.” you say and grab the glass, swiftly drinking its content. Jack’s eyes are never leaving you, until the glass is back on the counter.

“I care, Ianto Jones,” he says firmly, “I care about humanity. My job is to protect the humanity. Our job is to protect it. And tonight... tonight you’ve failed. You have betrayed us and endangered not only the whole team, but the whole world. You have seen what happened in Canary Wharf. Did you want it to happen again?”

“She was still human,” you feel new tears shaping in the corners of your eyes.

“She wasn’t human for a long time, Ianto. You didn’t see it, because you were in love with her. But she was a threat. A threat that needed to be taken care of.”

“You talking about her as if she was a thing,” you feel the blood boiling in your veins and your fists are starting to clench again.

“She was a robot, Ianto.”

“SHE WAS HUMAN!” you shout as you lunge to throw a punch at your boss. But suddenly you feel the dizziness and you loose balance, ending on Jack’s chest, his hands firmly grabbing you by your shoulders. “She was definitely more human, than you are.” you mumble, feeling your eyes getting heavier.

He sends you a hard gaze and nods. “I don’t expect you to understand, Ianto, but we did what we had to do. I did what I had to do.”

“What?” you frown slightly, suddenly feeling very sleepy. “What have you...?”

“I won’t expect you tomorrow at work, Ianto Jones. Or ever again.”

“YOU BASTARD!” you want to fight him, to let go of his grip, but your eyes are too heavy and the last thing you remember is two strong arms wrapping around you and the warmth and comfort of other man’s body.

 

*&*

 

            When you wake up next morning, there is a marching band in your head and for some reason your whole body is aching. You try to remember what you’ve been doing last night, but everything is blank. It definitely wasn’t your first hangover, but it was probably the worst. You always remembered at least some sort of information from previous night. But now, you don’t remember anything. If you try to, there is only darkness, absolute void, and an uneasy feeling nudging your stomach.

You sigh heavily, rubbing your eyes and get up to get a shower. As you are letting the warm water wash over your body you realise it’s not only the last night you can’t remember. You also can’t quite specify what day it is and you wonder how many pints did you have last night. It must have been hell of a party when you don’t remember anything. You have probably gone for one with Logan.

“Shit!” you curse under your breath as you remember your boss. You don’t even know what time is it but you have an uneasy feeling you are already late. You quickly turn off the shower and towel yourself as you step back into your bedroom, looking for your phone.

“Hey, Logan,” you say into your phone as soon as it stops ringing. “Listen I’m so sorry but I’m probably late for work.”

 _“Relax Yan,”_ a man on the other side of the line laughs slightly and the weird feeling enwraps you. You don’t remember anyone calling you like this and yet it seems like this guy is doing it frequently. Why is this day so out of place? _“Starbucks won’t fall apart without you man. Besides, I have put you off on afternoon shift. I realised there’s probably something so I took over.”_ There is a moment of silence. When Logan speaks again he sounds more serious, “ _You alright, Yan?”_

“Yes, yes I am... I just... I didn’t feel very good this morning. Sorry for not calling sooner. I’m on my way now.”

 _“Take your time. Don’t you dare to come here without breakfast, or lunch for that matter, yeah?”_ the man half laughs again, but you know he is serious. He is a good boss. He always cares about his employees.

“Yes, sir.” the words slip from your mouth almost automatically and you wonder why you just said that. You never called Logan sir since you’ve started working at Starbucks, so why now. Logan only laughs again and says goodbye. You hang up and rub your temples. The pain in your head is killing you. You should take some pills before you’ll go to work.

 

            You open your wardrobe and look over its content. It’s nothing special, usually jeans and t-shirts, maybe some sport shirt. You fish out your uniform – light blue jeans and black t-shirt – and dress up. You don’t really feel hungry, but you know Logan would know if you lied to him, so you better go to kitchen and open the fridge, trying to find something to eat. The fridge is half empty and you make a mental note to go to a grocery store. You pull out some eggs and decide to make yourself an omelette – you still have about hour until your shift starts and your work is at Mermaid Quay so you don’t really need to hurry to get there.

 

*&*

 

“Why the hell have you done it?” Toshiko surprises Jack as she storms into his office right in the morning, her voice much louder than usual.

Jack sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Ianto endangered the whole facility, Tosh. I did what I had to do.”

“He had a pretty good reason to do it.”

“Not from my point of view.” Jack snaps.

“You...” she purses her lips. “You could’ve fired me billion times Jack. You know I’ve done some stupid things too. But you never did. Why did you have to fire Ianto?”

“Your  _stupid things_ can’t be compared to what Ianto did... you... you don’t know what Cybermen are capable of doing... I saw it! They’re... they would be the end of us.”

“But we destroyed her. She is no longer a threat.”

“Too late. My decision is final.”

“No,” Toshiko’s eyes widens with realisation. “Don’t tell me you did it.”

“Don’t go looking for him.” Jack says, averting his eyes back to the papers lying on his desk. “He won’t remember you anyway. He lives a better life now.”

“And you know that how?” she half asks and turns on her heels, leaving Jack’s office swiftly.

 

*&*

 

            “Hey, you alright man?” Logan asks as you are cleaning the counter at the end of your shift. He comes over the door and turns the sign from “open” to “closed” and then turns back to look at you, worry in his eyes.

“Yes I’m fine.” you say tiredly. The pill helped for a while, but the nudging pain in the back of your head returned recently.

“Listen Yan,” Logan says as he makes his way towards the counter to properly look at you. “Go to see doctor tomorrow. I’ll give you a day off – paid.”

“No, you don’t need to.” you try to protest, but Logan waves you off.

“That’s an order.”

“Yes, sir.” there it is again.

“Since when are you calling me sir, by the way?” Logan laughs.

“I... I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

“Nah. Never mind. I quite like it, anyway,” he laughs again and goes into the back to check inventory. “It has a nice ring to it.” he shouts from the back, laughing.

 

            Next morning you decide to go to doctor right away. You don’t know what else to do anyway. You couldn’t sleep very well last night – a weird feeling of losing something important was weighing over you the whole night. Plus you kept awakening to strange dreams you didn’t remember anything from. And the fact they left you panting breathlessly in the middle of the night on your bed, trying to orient yourself in the dim light of the moon coming from the unshed window curtains wasn’t the best feeling also. But no matter how hard you try to remember, you can’t recall anything from your dreams. And the more you think about the dreams, the more your head hurts.

This is very strange hangover, you decide as you get up of the bed very early in the morning, hoping a morning shower will get you on your feet. It doesn’t, however. You keep coming back in your memories back to those mysterious dreams, feeling like they are somehow important, but you can’t quite tell why.

 

“Well, Mr. Jones, your results will be on Tuesday. I’m very sorry, but we have stuff over our heads right now.”

“That is alright. I can wait.”

“Although, from what I’ve seen it doesn’t seem like you have any problem. You seem to be pretty healthy, Mr. Jones.”

“What about those headaches?”

“You’ve probably just overworked yourself.”

“I don’t have very stressful occupation.” you half laugh.

“I see. Well, as I said. The scans will be not until Tuesday. I can prescribe you some pills for that headache so far, if you like.”

“That would be nice of you, thank you.”

As you are walking down the hall after you walked out of examination room, you spot a coffee vending machine and two nurses talking next to it, trying to decide what to buy. You practically hate coffee from machine but you're barely keeping yourself going from the lack of sleep and you still need to get back home, so you decide to buy a cup. You stand behind them and wait patiently until they decide. As they are waiting for their coffee to be made, you can’t help overhearing them.

“Are you going to lunch with me and Christy?” one asks the other.

“Oh yes about that. I will catch up on you. They’ve just beeped me that they brought this old lady’s body and there is this guy who insists on seeing her before she goes to autopsy.”

“Oh, I see. A relative?”

“I don’t know. He’s kind of strange. Big old military coat – kind of looks like from World Word Two... handsome though.”

And then it struck you. The coat. Big grey military coat. You’ve seen it already. You’ve seen it in your dreams.

“I’m sorry sir. Are you going to buy anything?” A woman behind you pats you gently on the shoulder and it is then when you realise two nurses are long gone. You shake your head slightly and try to get yourself together. You buy the first thing your eyes lay upon and walk out of the hospital.

You decide to walk home; you don’t have anything else to do either way. As you sip from your coffee however, you almost spill it out. It is really horrible. Instant one. Disgusting. It only reminds you why you aren’t buying coffee from machine at all.

 

*&*

 

Jack is in his office trying to get through the papers for UNIT when Gwen comes in with hot cup of coffee for him.

“Gwen, you are sweetheart!” he exclaims and his eyes widens with pleasurable surprise as soon as he sees a steaming mug. Gwen just sends Jack a little smile and hands him the coffee.

“Yeah I thought I could do at least this for you, you know.” she says.

“Yeah, thanks.”

“I didn’t tell you yet but... I’m sorry about Estelle.”

“Yeah, me too.” Jack sighs, reaching for his coffee. If this was the only thing which was bothering him right now. He sips from it with expectation but as soon as the taste hits his mouth, he makes a painful face, almost choking on its hot content.

“What the hell is that?” he makes a face like he was just poisoned.

“An instant coffee,” Gwen says, certain sadness in her voice. “No-one really has time to make a proper coffee in here anymore... Or no-one knows how for that matter.” she sends Jack a long meaningful look and Jack tries to hold her gaze, but he finds himself averting his eyes eventually. Gwen turns to walk away to do her job, when she hears a soft calling of her name from behind the desk.

“Gwen?” Jack asks, almost unsurely. She turns back and sees Jack hypnotizing his mug, frowning deeply at it like he would like to find some answers in it. “Do you think...” he says slowly, the whole ostentation of his demeanour gone. “Do you think I did a right thing?”

She looks at him confused for a while as she isn’t sure what does he mean exactly. After all, he had to make quite few choices lately with which the others weren’t very satisfied. But as he looks up to meet her gaze, there is no doubt what Jack wants to know.

“I don’t know, Jack,” she says shaking her head. “I frankly don’t know. It’s... you’ve done what you had to do. As always.”

“That doesn’t mean it was right thing to do.” Jack murmurs, returning his gaze back to the mug.

“Well, there’s no way back now, is it?”

“Guess not,” Jack says a bit sadly and rises the mug to his mouth, but as soon as he drinks from it, he recalls what horrible taste it has and puts the mug down the farthest from him as he can. Gwen smiles sadly and turns to leave him alone.

 

That night Jack just can’t get a wink of sleep. When he isn’t thinking about Estelle, he is thinking about Jasmine and what her mother must have been going through. And if he isn’t thinking about that either, well, there is yet one man to whom Jack felt guilt right now. Jack shivers under his blankets as he recalled those two pale blue eyes. It’s not like he didn’t have a reason to fire Ianto. It was just... a bit too much maybe? Maybe he should’ve just suspended him for a while. Maybe... maybe Toshiko was right. He could have fired her too, he could have fired even Owen million times before... and yet he hadn’t. But that... that was different. Because, they made mistakes, but Ianto betrayed the team... and he betrayed him. He understood Ianto did it for love, he most of all people understood it. But it still hurt him – the way Ianto shut off from him, from everybody – the way he didn’t trust him.

Jack sighs heavily as he tosses himself in his bed for about hundredth time that evening. He’s not getting any sleep tonight, that’s for sure. So he also can get up and take stroll. Maybe it will help him to clear his head. So he dresses himself and walks out to the cold rainy Cardiff night.

As Jack is walking down the street, not minding the pouring rain, he suddenly finds himself in front of a familiar building. He doesn’t know how he even got here. He surely didn’t want to get here, but here he is. And he is sure he’s going to regret this later, but he can’t help not to stop and look up into the only lighted window in whole apartment building. Guess he’s not the only one who can’t sleep properly, he smirks.

 

*&*

 

You can’t sleep – again. It feels like eternity when you last had a calm night. Although it was just yesterday your nightmares began. Or so you remember. Still you feel like there is something immensely wrong. Like you lead the life you shouldn’t be leading, like there is something else, in the darkness, waiting for you to find out – to remember. But every time you try, there is this crucial initial pain in the back of your skull, preventing you from remembering.

You get up of your bed, deciding to tap a glass of water. You wander into the kitchen, switching the light on by touch and you blink few times to get used to sudden brightness. When you can see clearly, you make your way awkwardly to the sink and take one glass from the shelves. You pour the water in it and gulp it down. You can feel it freshening you from inside, letting you relax a bit. You pour another glass and make your way towards the living room. Maybe looking through some old photo albums could kick up your memory again. At least that’s what they say in TV when someone has amnesia. But then again, you are completely fine – at least that’s what the doctor said. And then you remember- you don’t even keep any photo albums.

You sigh heavily and go to the window facing the street. You don’t even know what is drawing you to that window, but suddenly you feel the strong urge to look through it. Maybe a look at night’s sky or empty silent street will calm you down. Maybe you used to be doing this before – before what? You didn’t have any accident, you didn’t lose your memory. You’ve just have a pretty bad hangover- hangover dragging itself for two whole days.

No. This can’t be just a simple hangover. This needs to be something different – something more. You look out of window, trying to get hold of anything special, what could boost up your memory, but the street is empty. Only shape of one person, standing under the tree, in the shadow of the lamp. And then it strikes you. You can’t see his face because of the shadows of the leaves, but you can clearly see his clothes. It is the coat from your dreams. It’s the man in grey military coat. And he’s looking up to you – he’s looking _at you_.

“Who are you?” you whisper to the empty room. And suddenly you find yourself hurrying out of your apartment, the glass of water forgotten on the coffee table in your living room. You take the first jacket you get hold of and only in the last moment you remember to take the keys too – it wouldn’t be pleasant to have to spend the night in the cold rain. You run out to the rain, aiming it right under the tree the man was standing just seconds ago. But he is not anywhere near it anymore. You look out around the street, trying to see through heavy rain, but you see no signs of him. He disappeared, just like that. As he would vanish into thin air. As he wouldn’t even exist.

And he left you standing in the rain, soaking wet, without any explanation, without any word. And this feeling of mixed anger and longing is suddenly so familiar to you. You want to find him, you want to see him, but you know if you do, you would probably punch him in his guts. You don’t know what he has done to you, but you know you didn’t part ways as friends.

            You spend yet quite a time on the street, not minding the creeping cold and draining rain. You know you won’t see him again, but something tells you he is not that far, that he is still watching you, waiting. And the strangest thing of it all is that you don’t feel that intimidated by it as you probably should.

 

            You don’t know when exactly you fell asleep after that. When you wake up, you feel at least a bit rested. You are thankful your nightmares didn’t come back again that night. And you are also thankful you have an afternoon shift today. You really don’t feel like explaining to Logan why you couldn’t come to work at the morning again. Not that he wouldn’t understand. But because you couldn’t explain it properly even to yourself.

You drag yourself to the shower and then try to eat something, but you just can’t find your appetite. You just can’t stop thinking about the man from yesterday. If you only knew his name, you could at least try to find some information about him. But you know nothing. As much as you try to remember, you just can’t remember anything about him – no details, no information. It’s like he wasn’t even real. You make a mental note that maybe you could call your sister – she may know something about him – although it’s a long shot, you decide to try it. But then you check your wrist watch and realise you don’t really have time to spare.

“Shit!” you curse. If you don’t hurry you’ll be late for work. You are never late for work – at least that’s the impression you have from yourself. You’re getting pretty miserable. It’s like you don’t even know yourself. You don’t even know anymore if you are punctual or not.

You almost knock down a young Japanese woman with four coffees as you are hurrying into the shop.

“Oh I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. It was my fault.” you try to apologise and when she glances up at you, trying to balance her coffees, suddenly she seems like you would knock her down for real.

“Oh that... that’s ok.” she says a bit breathless. You can’t quite specify it, but there is something in her look which is weirdly familiar but also quite strange. She seems like she would like to say yet something more, but all she says in the end is: “Have a nice day.” and smiles weakly, a bit too sadly.

“Yes. You too ma’am.” you say, returning her smile. You watch her leave, the weird feeling in your head nudging you again.

“You ok there?” Logan asks from behind the counter as he checks you out.

“Yeah. Yeah I’m fine.” you shake your head and make your way behind the counter.

Whole afternoon you try to keep going without your thoughts drifting back to last night or anything that has something common with it. And the whole time you can feel Logan’s worried look all over you. You only wish you could speak to him about it. But then again. There wasn’t really that much to tell. You yourself don’t know what was happening to you.

When you turn the sign to “closed” that evening, Logan is still in the back, as usual. You’re going to say goodbye to him, when he comes out of the door, almost crushing with you.

“Oh, sorry man,” he huffs a laugh.

“That’s alright,” you smile weakly.

“Guess you have quite a crushing day, huh?” Logan jokes with his usual cheerful tone.

“Yeah. Guess I do.” you only sigh, averting your gaze from your boss’. You don’t even know what you’re still doing here. You only didn’t want to go home for another sleepless pointless night. That’s why you don’t think twice when Logan asks.

“Listen. I was planning to go for a drink. Why don’t you make me a company? Cheer up a bit?”

“Yeah, sure. Why not?” You smile a bit more happily.

            The bar is full of people having fun, boys and girls rubbing their bodies against each other, loud music and smell of spilled beer hitting your nose right when you arrive. It is Saturday evening after all, so it’s probably quite normal the bar is so overcrowded. You try and find a relatively quiet booth in the far corner of the room, where music doesn’t land so loudly. Logan goes to order drinks and you sit in the booth, taking in the surroundings. You wonder if you go to such bars often. You have a feeling you don’t, but then again, you can’t be really sure.

Everything is still quite a blur and you wouldn’t be surprised if you found out something about yourself what would totally surprise you. Logan is back with the drinks quite quickly, sending you a faint smile as he sits down, handing you your pint. You cling glasses and drink and since then you don’t remember the events of the night very clearly – but this time you at least know the cause of your “amnesia”. You remember having about three or four pints, generally having quite fun. Logan seems like a good lad and he is very funny too. And you feel really good in his presence, making you forget about your problems for a while, making them disappear for a while.

“You really don’t need to walk me home, Logan,” you say as you are making your way through rainy evening streets towards your flat. You feel a bit tipsy, but still you’re sure you’d make it on your own.

“I can’t let you go all by yourself, Yan,” he says, giggling at something you can’t comprehend. “What kind of boss would I be if I didn’t care about my staff?”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” you smile slightly, falling into comfortable silence only sometimes interrupted by the drunken laughs and nonsense conversation.

It is not long when you reach the front of your apartment building, Logan leaning against the brick wall, slightly tired.

“So, this is me,” you say, looking over your shoulder to main door.

Suddenly this all feels a bit awkward and weird for you. Or is it just that alcohol in your blood? You can’t really decide when suddenly you feel Logan’s hand gently touching your shoulder as he leans in and says: “Listen, Yan. I’d had a great time. I just want you to know, that if you needed to talk, I’m here.”

You look him into eyes for a moment, seeing they’re suddenly clearer, more serious.

“I know,” you nod, managing a faint smile.

And then there’re Logan’s lips, gently pressing on yours. You’re honestly caught off guard, absolutely surprised by the change of action from other man, not really capable of doing anything. And so you just stand there, those few utterly infinite moments. Then you actually realise what’s happening and pull away as gently as possible. You frown slightly, clearing your throat.

“I’m... uhm, I’m sorry, Logan. It’s just.... I’m not really into... you know, men.”

“Oh no, I’m... I’m sorry,” he sends you an easy going drunken smirk as he rubs back of his neck with his hand. “I... I don’t know exactly why I did it... uhm, sorry.”

“That’s ok,” you feel the awkwardness deepening.

“Uhm, it’s not going to be like literally awkward between us now, is it?” he asks, huffing a laugh.

“Hope not,” you send him a weak smile.

“Good,” he nods, smiling too. “Because my offer still stands, Yan. If you need someone to talk to.”

“Yeah, ok. Thanks.”

“Ok then. Guess I’ll go then... see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah. Definitely. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Yan.”

And you watch him stroll away into the rain, not really minding the cold drops dripping on you.

            This night is even more restless then the nights before. You’re not only thinking about your previous problems, but also Logan’s situation added up to it. You’re tossing and turning in bed, not able to close your eyes for more than few minutes. Every time you do, indescribable vague images flash in front of your eyes, waking you up again.  And the worst is the feeling of complete uselessness inside your head. You feel utter and complete incapability to cope with this situation, no matter what.

The night passes slowly, almost painfully, and when you wake up, it’s almost noon. And you know the sick feeling in your stomach isn’t only the consequence of hangover. You take almost infinite shower, letting the hot water wash away your grim thoughts. You drag yourself out of the shower, not really feeling like eating anything. You dress yourself, almost unconsciously and make a cup of coffee. If there’s nothing else you can rely on, there’s always your coffee. You would be able to make the best coffee in Cardiff, hell the best coffee in whole Wales, even if they’ll wake you up at 3 at the morning and blindfolded you.

After the coffee you feel at least a bit better, but still the feeling of sickness in your stomach doesn’t leave. You slowly make your way out of your apartment; don’t even care to look in the mirror. You drag yourself down the stairs and walk out of the front door, the weather only making your mood even worse. Chilly air strikes you right in the face, making you squirm because drops of rain are hitting you right in your eyes. You pull up the collar of your jacket and make your way towards the first traffic light. Cold rain is constantly hitting you behind your neck no matter how hard you try to shield yourself. When you finally arrive to work, you feel like a wet chicken.

“You look terrible,” Logan says at the instance he sees you, big smile on his face.

You only send him a weary glance and make your way back to find some dry towel. You dress off your coat, hanging it at the back of the chair to dry. Then you come to the counter and take a clean towel from it. You dry your hair, letting the towel loosely fall on your shoulders. You look into the mirror in front of you, not really recognizing the man who’s looking back at you. His eyes are damped and empty, his complexion pale and his stubble needs to be shaven ASAP.  He looks exactly as you are feeling- miserable.

“You really look terrible.” Logan’s voice sounds from behind you.

You glance at his reflection in the mirror and avert your eyes as soon as you catch his worried look. Sometimes you wish he wasn’t so damn caring. 

“I’m fine.” You say not quite sure if you want to convince him or yourself. “Just give me ten.”

“Ianto, if you need-,”

“I said I’m fine,” you snap a bit harsh.

“Ok,” Logan nods slightly, turning to leave.

Great. The only person who actually gives a crap about you and you send him to sod off- really smooth. You rub your tired eyes with the back of your hand and decide to go to bathroom. There you splash cold water on your face, trying to refresh yourself a bit. It works... for now.

You go back to front, ignoring Logan’s glances, as you put up your fake professional smile and prepare to serve customers. Everything goes quite smoothly, given the circumstances, until approximately six o’clock. You are preparing four coffees- one latte, one cappuccino with extra foam and two black coffees, one extra strong. It isn’t until you finish them and prepare to hand to customer, when you notice the name on one of the cups. It says: Tosh; which is fairly atypical name. And yet it seems very familiar to you. You frown at the cup as you’re carrying it with other three to the counter, trying to remember where you have heard the name before. When you look up from the cup, you see fairly young, pretty, small Japanese woman in neat long leather coat, a big bag for laptop over her right shoulder and big handbag over her left one. She fixes her dark purple glasses as she extends her hand to take coffees on paper tray.

“Here you go,” you say, fixing her a weak polite smile.

“Thank you,” she says softly. “Have a nice day,” she adds and you can clearly hear her London accent.

“You... you too,” you reply a bit surprised. It isn’t usual for customers to say things like that. It is usually you who should wish them a nice day. And yet here she is, a young woman with strange but familiar name and tight smile. And when you fix your eyes with hers, you see there’s more in them than she reveals. There’s sadness and bitterness and... regret?

You hand her coffees, shaking those thoughts away and say goodbye to her. As she walks out you wonder what could make her so sad. You stare after her, quite oblivious to the rest of the customers. And then it strikes you. It’s the same woman you bumped into last morning. And she was.... she was sad when she looked at you. Tosh. Suddenly it feels so right. That name and that face. You know her, you are sure of it.

You don’t even bother to say anything to Logan or Becca as you loosen your apron and run out of the shop. You can distinguish Logan’s voice calling after you, but you don’t pay attention to it. You’re hurrying yourself out to the street, desperate to catch Tosh on her way.

You need to talk to her. She’s the only link to the life you don’t remember, the only thing linking you to the man in the great coat. You run out to the street, chasing for the any sign of Tosh. You look over the street, taking any detail which could help you where she could go. But she is long gone. You try to shout her name few times- like she would appear if you do so. But there is nobody. Except few people giving you weird looks as they pass by. But Tosh is gone- and with her also your hope to get the grip of this whole damn thing.

Your shoulders slump again and tears of anger and irritation and despair fill your eyes. No – it can’t be. You were so close. So close to finally figuring out what’s going on. So close to finding out – who you are.

You feel a careful touch of a hand on your shoulder and you don’t even need to turn around to know who it is.

“I’ll ask Becca to close sooner today and I’ll take you home,” Logan says and you can’t fight it anymore. You can’t fight _him_. After all, he is the only one who is willing to help you. So why not let him.

 

*&*

 

            “I brought coffee,” Toshiko calls as soon as she steps through the cog door to the main Hub.

“Finally not the instant one,” Jack immediately appears seemingly out of nowhere – like a genie reacting to a word coffee – and steps next to her, extending his hands like a little child waiting for his Christmas present. Toshiko hands him his cup and the look of happy puppy on his face make her smile bitterly. If he only knew.

As Jack sips from his coffee his expression slowly changes. His features come from very satisfied to very serious in 0.2 second and the look he sends Toshiko is hard and firm. He clears his throat and raises one of his eyebrows.

“I thought I told you not to go there again, Toshiko.”

Toshiko smiles sadly, but when she fixes her gaze with Jack, her features are adamant. “And what are you going to do, Jack?” she asks harshly. “Fire me too?”

Jack is silent, staring her down with his hard glare.

“I think he remembers, Jack.” she continues and there is a flash of pain mixed with anger and some kind of hope in Jack’s eyes.

“I mean, not everything, of course. Mostly nothing, actually,” she adds sadly. “But I think he recalled me for a bit. I saw it in his eyes. He... he knew who I was, even if only for a split of a second. Jack he would...”

“Don’t go there anymore, Toshiko.” Jack freezes her with his answer, not leaving her space to protest. “That’s an order.” he turns on his heels and walks away with coffee in his hands. Because no matter how bad he may feel about whole situation, there is no way he would turn down Ianto’s coffee.

 

*&*

 

            “Why are you doing this?” you ask quietly, sitting on your couch in your flat, as Logan hands you cup of hot tea.

“You don’t want to talk about it... and I understand. But I clearly see there is something bothering you... there’s.... there’s something wrong with you, Yan. And I care about you, you know that. I just want to help you.” he sits next to you, not too close, but also not too far. “You just need to let me help.”

You are silent for a long while, sipping from your tea and staring down at your coffee table – excessively cleaned, pack of magazines on the far right corner forming the perfect pile. You are probably quite neat person, you think to yourself.

“It’s because,” you say, almost whispering, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

The feeling of sickness in your stomach spreads again and the nudging pain in the back of your head starts to take its place. “I just... I feel so lost and lonely.”

“Hey,” Logan says soothingly, leaning closer to you and places a comforting hand on your shoulder. You place the cup of tea on the coffee table, not really minding it’s not on the coaster and you lean back again, into Logan’s touch.

“Have you... have you lost someone?” he asks, gently.

“I feel like I did. I just can’t remember. I feel like, like there is something missing in my life. Like... This is ridiculous,” you huff out a laugh, throwing yourself to the couch, leaning at the backrest. You let your hand rub the back of your neck, letting it rest there for a while. “This sounds like some fucking middle-life crisis.”

Logan leans back slightly and smiles weakly, not really saying anything. And you take that moment to fully look at the other man. He has short dark brown hair and shinning blue eyes. He’s clean shaven, though his face looks a bit off without that ever present smile of his. He is very handsome man, you decide after all, watching him closely, his lips quirking into little smile.

“It does sound like that,” he laughs lightly. “But it’s not. And I don’t exactly understand, Yan, but still, I want to help you, if there is anything I can do for you.”

You look at him once again, taking in the most you can. And that’s when your brain stops working properly and you practically launch yourself at his lips, grabbing him hard by the back of his neck. The kiss is hard and possessive. There is nothing to lose for you – only to gain. You just need to stop thinking for a while. You need to... you need to distract yourself somehow. You try to shift yourself on the couch, arching your back more to get to better position, when Logan suddenly pushes you away, gently, but firmly. And this action freezes you completely.

You stay hovering slightly above him, completely not able to do anything, not able to say anything. You look at him both in disbelief and desperation, feeling so much at the same time you feel like you’re going to explode. Logan smiles sadly and pushes you away even more, making more space between you. You let yourself fall into the backrest again, slumping into it, hoping you’ll disappear in it. Logan shifts himself to face you more properly, leaning in a bit. You fix your eyes on the coffee table again, not able to look at the other man right now.

Logan’s warm hand suddenly encloses yours and you flick your eyes to him, surprised. He’s smiling, but his smile is sad and regretful. His eyes are gloomy and full of sorrow. You could swear there is a flash of hope for a little while in them, but it’s lost as soon as it appears.

“I know you feel empty inside, Yan,” he says softly, very quietly. “I know you need someone to fill that void. And you know I would like to be that person. But we both know I’m not. I’m not the one who could fill even the part of the emptiness that’s filling you. I want to help you, Yan. But not like this. You know you don’t really want it. And... that’s not how I want it.”

You close your eyes for a while, inhaling deeply. “I’m sorry,” you whisper.

“Don’t be.” Logan says softly again and leans in to cup your cheek. Then he kisses you on the temple. “Go to bed now. You need to rest.”

You only nod, sitting on the couch in the comfortable silence yet for a little while. Because it feels good having someone with you – anyone. It feels good knowing you’re not alone.

 

You wake up all sweaty, breathing heavily, in your bed... and there’s someone with you.

“Hey... you alright?” the voice asks and you need to let your eyes get used to the dark before you can focus on the person next to you.

“Logan,” you breathe out. “What... what are you...?”

“I crashed at your couch in living room,” he smiles softly. “I thought you may yet need me tonight.” he falls silent for a while then, watching you closely. Then he places a comforting hand on your shoulder, handing you a glass of water. “You had a bad dream,” he says.

You accept the glass, drinking half of it on the one gulp.

“You have them often?” he asks, worriedly.

You nod weakly, hanging your head between your shoulders.

“Tell me about them.”

“I don’t remember much.” you say faintly. “It’s just... very real... and dark... and I feel like I’m dying... and then... then there’s this man in the army coat... he... I don’t remember him... all I can remember is that coat... and I... I don’t know what he’s doing there... but somehow, I don’t why, I trust him... though I know I shouldn’t...”

“It’s ok. You’re safe now.” Logan hugs you tightly and you slump into his embrace because yeah, it feels good – to be able to lean on somebody.

 

That morning you wake up actually quite rested, though your night wasn’t very different from previous ones. First thing you sense before you open your eyes is the smell of fresh coffee hitting your nose. You frown a bit, rubbing your eyes and getting out of bed awkwardly. When you step into the kitchen, you are met with the bright smile of your boss.

“Morning, Yan.”

“Good morning,” you say, still a bit hoarsely.

“I’ve stayed the night, just in case, you know. I hope... I hope you don’t mind.”

“No that’s... that’s fine... Thank you, Logan.”

“That’s ok,” he sends you another little smile of his, as he’s pouring two cups of hot liquid.

“Did you sleep well?” he asks as he hands you one cup.

“Giving the circumstances...yeah.”

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out at last.”

“Yeah... I hope so.”

“Listen... take a time off today.”

“But...”

“No... there’s no but... Just rest, go visit your family or something. I don’t want to see you in work until Wednesday.”

“Wednesday?”

“Tomorrow’s your doctor appointment, isn’t it?”

“Oh... right... I forgot.”

“What would you do without me?” he laughs heartily and you stop midway in sipping from your coffee, really thinking about it. What would you do without him? You don’t know. He was such a help during these few strange days.

“So, we have a deal? Or should I say it’s an order?”

“No... it’s... it’s alright, sir.”

“So it’s sir again?” he laughs again, happily. “I’m glad you’re your old self, Yan.”

“Yeah... me too.”

 

Maybe visiting a family isn’t that bad idea after all. You don’t remember when you saw Rhiannon and kids for the last time. Well, it’s not like you remember much at all, but still. You decide to pay a visit to them after lunch. Maybe they would even know something about Tosh... or anything about the life you led before... before what exactly? It seems like this was always your life.

You remember working at Starbucks for about a year now and that’s just not possible- not remembering a whole year of your life... is it? That would have been one hell of a hangover.

When Rhiannon opens the door, an expression of blank surprise is visible on her face.

“Is the world ending?” she asks harshly, letting you in.

“I’m sorry?”

“Mica, don’t beat your brother,” Rhiannon’s attention is already somewhere else as she shouts at her children, following them to kitchen. You close the door and follow your sister, moving slowly, like you’d be afraid this could all just disappear if you do one fast movement.

“Well come on then, sit down,” Rhiannon says, pouring the water in the kettle. “What’s happening, Ianto?”

“Must there be any emergency for me to visit you?” you frown, confused.

“Well you tell me. You don’t visit us except holidays and emergencies – which are not that often, thank God.”

“I... I don’t?”

She frowns too, looking at you properly. “Where’s your fancy suit? Have you got fired from your job?”

“I... no... I didn’t.”

“You have a day off then?”

“Yes... Yes I do.”

“And you decided to pay visit to your sister? How nice of you.”

“Rhiannon I...”

“No, don’t say anything, Ianto. I’m glad you’re here. It’s... it’s nice to see you more than once a year, you know.”

“I’m sorry,” you murmur, not really sure what are you sorry for.

 

“So... do you know my colleagues?” you ask over a cup of tea as you are sitting with your sister behind the table in their kitchen.

“Your colleagues,” she huffs a laugh. “Ianto, you never even speak of your work, not yet that you would invite us to any of your office parties or whatever you’re plotting in that office of yours.”

“I’m...” you want to say something, but then again, you kind of don’t know what to say exactly.

“Uhm, do you know Tosh?” you try different tactic.

“Tosh?” Rhiannon raises her eyebrows. “Is that some lady of yours?”

“I... no she’s... just a friend.”

“Oh... shame... you know, you should find some nice girl finally. You’re always just working, working, working. It’s like you didn’t have any life of yours besides your work.”

 _“Well... maybe I don’t,”_ you think to yourself, sipping from the cup.

 

*&*

 

            When Tuesday comes, you can’t be less happy about it. You’re thinking about not going to hospital after all. What is the point exactly? They won’t tell you anything you don’t know yet. They’ll probably tell you that you are healthy and they don’t know what’s wrong with you – seriously, what are they paid for?

Anyway, you kind of already embraced this... situation? Life? ... What is so bad about this after all?... Well, maybe the nightmares aren’t the best thing in the world, but even that you could overcome. But beside that, you have a good job, if you would improve your relationship with Rhiannon, you could visit them more often and well, there’s still Logan. He’s not that bad after all... and he cares about you. And maybe, just maybe, you could forget about all of this and start a normal, happy life. Whatever was your life before you don’t feel it was particularly nice one.

            Exactly as you suspected, doctor didn’t say anything new to you. According to results you are 100% healthy and there’s no reason for your headaches or nightmares. She however recommends a psychologist’s help, as she thinks your problems might be of psychological nature.

As you’re walking out of hospital, you’re going through the brochure she gave you, when you glance up and you freeze mid step.

 

*&*

 

            “Owen I need you to track records on that creature. I’m going back to Hub,” Jack says into his phone, still a bit irked.

 _“As you wish,_ captain _,”_ Owen says a bit too sarcastically and harshly, but Jack doesn’t say anything to that. He knows he deserves it. _“How is she?”_

“Good. Broken arm- so she won’t be able to work few days- and some broken ribs. But  they’ve already stitched her up right, she should be good to go home tomorrow.” Jack says as he makes his way towards SUV.

_“You know Jack we could've avoid this situation... if we had a back-up.”_

“And what do you want me to do, huh?” Jack snaps harshly. “Turn back the time and bring him back? Sorry kiddo, but for that we would need a different kind of Doctor. He made his choice.”

_“You made a choice for him, Jack.”_

“And since when you are such a great friends? Next thing I know you’ll be going to that shop of his together with Tosh. I knew I should transfer him further from you.”

 _“Yeah well, maybe you didn’t want to,”_ Owen almost murmurs in the phone and Jack has some trouble to understand him. _“Maybe you didn’t give up on him yet.”_

Jack closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. When he speaks, his voice is firm and adamant again: “I’ll be back in fifteen. I want that records on the table by then.”

 _“Sure thing,”_ Owen murmurs grumpily and turns down the phone. Jack puts the phone to his pocket and looks up. And there he is. The man he let go. Standing in old jeans, black t-shirt and leather jacket, just like the day they met for the first time. And he’s looking right at him.

Jack knows there’s no way out of this. He apparently recognised him. Hell he should have checked the dosage of Retcon two times before giving it to him. He probably didn’t give him enough to forget everything... or maybe Ianto was just stubborn son of a bitch as usual and he didn’t want to forget... or maybe Jack gave him smaller dose because he didn’t want to let him go after all.

But it was for his good, Jack told himself. He would be better off without Torchwood... without him. He would end up dead anyway – they all do.

 

“Hey, you! Wait up,” you shout, pacing after the man in the grey military coat.

He seems to ignore you as he turns on his heels, opening the driver’s door to the big black car.

“Oi!” you shout again, getting closer to him. You grab him by the shoulder, like it would be the most natural thing in the universe, and turn him to face you.

“Sorry, man, do I know you?” he says and his clear American accent suddenly sounds so right.

“Don’t act like you don’t!” you feel anger building up in you. You’re really not in the mood to play it like this.

“I saw you that night. You... you were looking at my window... I know you know me.”

“Sorry! It must have been someone else!” he shakes your hand off of his shoulder, getting to the car.

“It wasn’t... I keep seeing you in my dreams.... why?” you ask, desperately.

He sighs heavily and turns to face you, once again. “Look... I don’t know what you’re talking about. We’ve never met.”

“But... I know you,” you breathe out.

“Yeah? Well then, what’s my name?” he asks, scrutinizing you. And you try to remember. You try to fish out this memory of him, any memory of him, but it’s all blank. It’s all just images and feelings and sensations – but no details... no names.

He spares you one last glance and his lips curves into sad half smile. “Thought so.” he turns his head, watching the road and drives off, not sparing another look at you.

You’re watching after him, tears filling your eyes. You watch him go, disappearing from your life once again. And then one memory flashes through your mind and suddenly you know... _he always leaves_.

“Jack,” you whisper into the wind softly. “Your name is Jack.”

 

            The rest of the day you’re trying to forget the man in the military coat. It is somehow funny, you thought. You’ve fought so hard to remember him and when you finally did, you want nothing more just to forget him.

You already decided to let that life – whatever it was – behind you. And now he comes around and turns everything upside down. You were so close – so close to letting it all go. And then he had to show up.

You catch yourself thinking about him again and again. And there’s something, you can’t quite specify what it is, that is drawing you to him, to thinking about him. He’s just so... appealing. And you can’t help yourself. It feels weird and unsettling, you know you shouldn’t trust him, but at the same time you feel like you could trust him with your life. It’s weird and you can’t wrap your head around it, nor understand it, and that makes it even worse.

You play with the thought of going to work after all, but you know Logan would kick you out (gently of course) if he saw you there today. You should rest, he would say. Well, that’s easier said than done.

It’s still only early afternoon so you decide to take a walk around town, maybe grab some snack, and just see where your feet will bring you. As you are walking though, not really sure how long already, you keep coming back to one place – Roald Dahl Plass and Cardiff Bay ... You don’t know why, but there is something really intriguing about this place, something in the back of your head is telling you this place is somehow significant... somehow important for you. You sit on the stone stairs in front of Visitor Centre, sipping from the coffee you bought in the stall, watching the water fall down from the monumental fountain in front of you.

 

*&*

 

            As Jack walks into the main Hub Gwen immediately turns off the CCTV footage she’s looking at right now.

“How did the hunt go?” she asks.

“Do I look like I have Weevil with me?” Jack asks grumpily, making his way towards his office immediately.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t we have any coffee in here?” he shouts from the office, visibly irked.

“I’ll... I’ll go get some.” she offers, not really wanting to deal with Jack right now. He’s quite unbearable if he is pissed and short of caffeine.

“Yeah just.... make sure not to go Ianto’s, ok?” he says, making his way back to her, pacing nervously around the Hub.

“Don’t worry,” she murmurs. “He has a day off.”

Jack gives her a perplexed look and she sighs in defeat, showing him the CCTV footage. Jack looks at the figure sitting at the stairs of Visitor’s centre, looking into the distance. He doesn’t say anything, but Gwen can see his face softens longer he stares at the other man.

“You know, there is still chance to bring him back.”

“He’s better this way.”

“You think so? Look at him properly and say it again, Jack.”

Jack doesn’t say anything for quite a while. Then, when he speaks, he averts his eyes from the computer screen, looking at Gwen properly. “You should go get that coffee, Gwen.”

He doesn’t say anything more, but Gwen can see he wants to. He wants to go there by himself. But he honestly believes that’s how it’s better. Gwen glances one last time at the screen, seeing Ianto already left his place and with the sad glance towards Jack she turns around and walks out of the Hub.

 

*&*

 

            You walk across the street, dumping the empty cup to the nearest litter and proceed your way across the town. It’s just two short streets when suddenly you find yourself in front of your work building. Logan sees you immediately from the shopping window, telling something to Declan on his way out.

“Hey, Yan,” he says with a big smile as soon as he walks out of the shop. He gives you tight hug and pats you on the shoulder. “How’re you feeling?”

“Good,” you say, not really lying. You thought a lot today and you came to conclusion that you really feel better – even good maybe. You just need few more days to accustom to this – new life. But yeah, it’s good and you think you can be happy with this.

“So what did the doc say?”

“I think I will have to have some psychologist’s sessions, but other way I’m ok.”

“That’s good to hear.”

“Yeah, it is.”

“I hope you didn’t come to work, though,” he laughs heartily again and you think to yourself you kind of missed that laugh of his.

“No... I’m... resting, as you said. Just you know, walking around the town.”

“Yeah, that’s good. You should do that. Well. I got to go but... see you tomorrow morning, right?”

“Yeah... definitely.”

“Good. Goodbye, Yan.”

“Goodbye, Logan.” you say, not knowing this was the last time you said it to him. And if you knew, you would probably say something more.

You keep going then, strolling casually through the streets, until your eye catches a nice three piece suit in the shopping window of one fancy shop. It is black with slight almost invisible silver stripes, velvet black waistcoat and dark red shirt with purple tie. Something in it catches your attention and you realise you’re not able to avert eyes from it. You don’t really know how much time passes. It is only when a nice woman’s voice with strong Welsh accent sounds, that you come back to your senses and averts your eyes.

“You would look good in it,” she says with a small smile. You look at her and there is this feeling of utter familiarity again, creeping in the back of your head, telling you, that you know her from somewhere. She is quite nice, long dark hair, freckled face and kind eyes. She’s holding two coffees from Starbucks and there’s her name on it – Gwen.

“I know you, don’t I?” you ask, for once, quite sure about something.

“Yes.” she says, nodding slightly.

“I better say, I did know you.”

“I’m sorry, Ianto.” she says, giving you a tight smile.

“Don’t be. I guess it’s for better. Just... he’s Jack, isn’t he?” you want to make yourself sure, though you are pretty sure what his name is. She nods again.

“Well, just tell Jack if he doesn’t want to have anything in common with me, he shouldn’t send his people in my way.”

“Ianto I...”

“No... I’ve decided. I want to forget about... this. I... if he wants me to forget, so be it. I have something here. I can be happy with this. But you need to stop appearing everywhere I go. It’s... it’s not going to work like this.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah. Me too.” you say, turning around and walking away from the woman with coffees.

Maybe you should move to London. So there wouldn’t be a chance of meeting this people again. But then again, you’re kind of reluctant to leave Logan behind – your only true friend right now. Guess that’s just problem for another day. Right now, you don’t really feel like thinking about it.

 

*&*

 

            Next morning you wake up with no notion of nightmare from last night and this thought fills you with some kind of happiness and hope. After really long time you feel quite relaxed and rested and you feel this day could be finally the one when you leave everything from your past behind and start fresh.

At least, that’s what you think. As soon as you step in the Starbucks shop however, at 08:00 precisely, everything’s going downhill. You are immediately greeted by Logan, but what he says leaves you deadpanned standing and staring at him blankly.

“Oh, good morning, Ianto. Would you like your usual?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Five coffees – two lattes, one cappuccino, and two black ones, one with milk the other without – is it right?”

“Logan I’m...”

“Oh,” he seems to realise something, looking you over, his cheerful smile never leaving his face. “I’m sorry. No fancy suit today... guess you have a day off, huh? Well, that’s a shame. You know I love you in a suit.”

“Uhm,” you feel yourself turning red slightly, not really used to Logan flirting with you so openly and then a realisation hit you.

“Is this some kind of a joke?” you ask, squinting slightly. It may as well be – after all, Logan could pull a quite good prank if he wanted to.

“A joke?” Logan frowns, puzzled look on his face.

You want to say something more when you catch a glimpse of something too familiar from the corner of your eye. And when you turn around, there is no doubt what you saw. It’s him – Jack – standing all enigmatic and mysterious, in his big grey coat, behind the shop window, looking straight at you, his features unreadable.

And all anger you have towards this man boils in your veins, as you rush yourself out of the shop, marching it towards him and launching at him, pinning him towards the nearest wall.

“You,” you growl at him, holding his collar tightly, looking into his cold blue eyes. “What have you done?”

“Hey Ianto,” he says with a slight smirk, his breath ghosting around your face and you are for a while distracted by – well, basically him. “I missed you too... but well, are you sure you want to do this in public? You may _arouse_ an unwanted attention.”

It is then when you fully realise how this probably look to peole around. You, holding Jack tightly under his neck, your faces too close, pinning him against the wall. And his smug smirk doesn’t really help the situation. You let him go a bit too quickly, trying to suppress the redness creeping up your face again, as you step back.

“Come with me,” he says then, gesturing to the SUV parked not far.

“Why?” you ask, distrustfully. “So you could drug me again?”

There’s a flash of pain in Jack’s eyes, before he speaks. “I’m sorry about that. And no. I want to show you something.”

He strikes out to the car, leaving you behind, not even glancing back. You reluctantly follow him. You don’t trust him entirely, but the curiosity overwhelms you.

When you sit in the car, suddenly a feeling of familiarity strikes you again. You briefly remember the last time you set here. He was driving, it was night, heavy rain, and your hands were covered in blood. And the feeling of sickness corroding your stomach starts again.

“What have you done to Logan?” you ask him to distract yourself from the uneasy feeling falling upon you.

“Your little barista friend?” Jack asks, again with his little smirk. And it somehow reminds you of Logan... or was it Logan reminding you of Jack?

“I Retconed him... as long as all other people in that shop of yours. We needed them to forget about you. As we made them remember you a week before.”

“You what?” you frown. “You’ve... it wasn’t real?”

“No... you’ve never worked in Starbucks. Not really. We’ve made you something like a false identity, if you want. Played with their memories so they would think you’ve been working there for some time – so you wouldn’t get suspicious.”

“And you played with my memories too.” you add and Jack doesn’t say anything.

“Last week. You were at my flat, weren’t you?”

There is a moment of pause, Jack watching the road carefully. “Yes,” he says simply.

“I remember... I was angry at you... and you... I drank water and... that was it, wasn’t it?”

“You have an extraordinary memory, Ianto Jones,” Jack glances at you shortly, smirking smugly.

“That’s why I had those flashbacks... and those nightmares?”

“I’ve just probably blundered the amount of Retcon I should give you.”

“Right.”

The rest of the ride is fairly silent. When Jack parks in front of storage units at the edge of town, your stomach does an uneasy flip. You get out of the car, walking across the road, to one of the storage units. Jack hands you a key to the lock and before he pulls his hand back, he looks you in the eye, saying: “This is your real life, Ianto Jones.”

You take the keys from him, looking at the big brass door. Do you really want to open up this door? Do you want to know what’s behind them? You feel like you’re standing there for hours, deciding, Jack calmly waiting beside you.

You take a deep breath before you make a step closer, opening the door. And there’s nothing. You don’t know what you have been waiting for. You kind of expected every memory rushing back to you, every moment of your life suddenly flashing before your eyes. But there’s nothing. You don’t recall anything – not a single thing.

You make a step into the unit, coming closer to the first cardboard box. There’re photos – there’re not much of them, but there they are – few photos in frames, neatly stored away. There’s a picture of two little children on the playground – probably you and your sister when you were younger. Then there is a picture of your sister from her graduation and another photo of you and bunch of people in some bar – you don’t recognise any of them. There is no Tosh, nor Gwen. Who are these people? You think to yourself. They look like they are close to you. Or were.

And there is this girl, right in the middle. She’s beautiful and you ... you seem to be holding her waist. She’s... she was close to you probably. You take out another photo and there she is again; short dark hair dark skin and beautiful deep brown eyes. You are at some park on the grass and you seem so happy. And it hurts that much more, that you can’t remember her.

“You’re girlfriend,” Jack says softly and you realise he is standing close behind you. “You loved her... too much.”

“How could I...?” you choke on the tears which this photo brings to you. “How could I love her when... when I don’t even remember her name?”

Jack puts a comforting hand on your shoulder, speaking softly. “Lisa. Her name was Lisa.”

You mouth her name, caressing her image on the picture. “Lisa,” you breathe out, a tear falling on the glass of the frame. “She’s... she’s dead, isn’t she?”

Jack’s silence is enough of an answer for you.

“How?”

“You don’t want to know,” Jack says quietly and you turn around abruptly, your look hard, though shielded with tears.

“You lead me here, showed me all this.... and now you're keeping things away from me? What’s the fucking point then? Either let me go or tell me everything, Jack.”

“I killed her,” Jack says after a short pause. “Along with others... she... she wasn’t human anymore.”

You feel yourself falling apart as the flashes of that night are coming back slowly. The flashes of blood and metal and the sounds of guns and the smell of burning flesh.

“Why?” you ask, resisting the urge to punch the man in front of you. “Why have you led me here? I was starting to be happy. I wanted to leave this all behind... I ... I could be happy... And you had to destroy it...again... you had to step in and turn everything upside down, hadn’t you? Because that’s what you do, Jack Harkness. You mess with people’s life like it was just a movie for your amusement. I... why did you bring me here?” you slump your shoulders, wanting nothing more than die right now. But you know you can’t. You need to suffer because that’s what he wants.

The warmth of his arms enwrapping you tightly is a bit surprising, but still very pleasant and despite you despise him right now, despite you are angry and you hate him in this moment, you can’t help yourself but fall into his embrace, letting him comfort you. Because it also feels good and it scares the hell out of you.

“I’m sorry, Ianto,” he says softly into the mane of your hair as he gently comforts you.

 

*&*

 

            “I... I brought you a coffee, sir. I thought you might appreciate one before I’ll go. It seems to be a long night ahead of you.” you say as you walk into Jack’s office, coffee mug on the tray.

“Ianto, you are delight,” Jack smiles brightly, stretching his muscles at the uncomfortable chair. “Paperwork is a bitch... but you need to do it sometimes.” he smirks, extending his hand to the mug.

“Others are gone already?”

“Yes. Well and... I guess I’ll go too then. Goodnight sir,” you say and walk away of his office quickly, before he can stop you.

You’re not quite sure why, but you feel very intimidated in Jack’s presence. And especially when it’s already night and everybody is out of the Hub. You place the tray next to coffee machine and you are about to take your leave, when Jack’s voice stops you.

“How are you, Ianto?” he asks and you turn to see him standing in the doorway of his office, his hands in his pockets.

“I uhm... I’m fine, thanks,” you say, a bit unsurely.

“Come, sit down with me for a while,” Jack gestures to the old sofa at the part of the Hub your teammates use to relax. You come to the sofa, meeting with Jack along the way and sits down carefully, at the far end of it. Jack smiles slightly and sits down too, more closely to you than necessary, leaving a pretty big space of sofa behind him.

“I meant, how’s your memory?” he asks, placing a hand on your knee casually.

“It’s... well I guess I don’t have that extraordinary memory as you thought, sir,” you say, hypnotizing his hand on your knee. “I haven’t remembered much yet.”

“It has been only week. It will come, slowly.” then he falls silent for a while. “I still have that pill to help you remember. You know, that kind of Anti-retcon one.”

“Yeah I... I think I’ll pass. I really don’t want to take more pills than necessary. I... don’t really trust them since certain point, if you know what I mean.”

Jack laughs heartily and you dare to look him in the eyes for the first time this evening. Despite his laugh and slight quirk of his lips, his eyes are sad and somehow empty.

“I was thinking about Lisa,” you say suddenly. “I... I don’t remember much. I know I loved her, I know what I have done to save her but... I just can’t remember. It’s all there, the images, information... but I can’t feel it. How could I love her so much when I couldn’t even remember her name, Jack?” you feel tears stinging in your eyes and suddenly Jack is much closer, hugging you comfortingly.

“That’s ok, Ianto. You’ll remember. I promise.”

You hug him back, clinging to him desperately. Because right now, he is the only constant in your life. You let yourself bury into his embrace completely, breathing in his scent, calming you down.

You close your eyes, letting his steady breathing ease you and comfort you. More you stay like this, the only sound in the Hub the humming of computers, more you feel like this has some meaning after all.

Your tears fade away slowly, leaving dry trails on your cheeks. Jack’s not easing his tight embrace and you feel so comfortable in his arms, so safe, you don’t even realise when suddenly your lips are pressed at the skin of his neck, kissing him gently.

You feel his Adam’s apple rise and fall slowly, as he swallows hard and you catch it on its go, kissing it softly. You’re not sure why or what you’re doing, but you can’t help yourself – the man whole is so intriguing and you always thought it’s just a question of time when one of you make that first step. And maybe you already did. How could you know?

You suppress this thought of not knowingness deep in your mind and press another kiss to the line of Jack’s jaw. You’re so close now, there’s just one move to do and... your lips are on his and he’s kissing you back, gently, slowly. And it feels so different from when you kissed Logan. It’s not rushed, it’s not hard. It’s soft and beautiful and it feels like the most right thing in the world. Even if you’re not sure about anything, you are sure about this. It feels too right for you not to be sure about it.

Jack’s hands move to the back of your neck, and suddenly he pulls away, only slightly, resting his forehead against yours. His eyes are still closed, his brows a bit creased.

“Ianto,” he breathes out gently, caressing the back of your neck with his thumb. “We shouldn’t be doing this.”

He pulls away completely though it seems he’s using all the strength he has to do it. He looks at you, his eyes soft and caring. He smiles weakly, extends a hand to caress your cheek.

“I don’t want you to do anything you might regret later.”

“I,” you want to say, but his finger on your lips hushes you. He fondles your lower lip with his finger, glancing at it briefly, before he returns his gaze back to your eyes.

“Not until you’ll remember everything, Ianto. You may look at me differently when you’ll remember everything about me. You... you may not want it then.”

He closes his eyes briefly, sucking in a deep breath and then he stands up slowly, letting his hand casually drop at your shoulder, stroking it on its way.

“Sir,” you call to him before he disappears in his office. “I remember one thing about you though.”

“What is it?” he asks, turning back to face you.

You stand up and say firmly: “I remember no matter what, you always know the right dose of Retcon.”

He gives you a meaningful look, not really saying anything.

“Why have you done it?”

Jack smiles weakly, looking into distance for a while, before he fixes you with his gaze again.

His eyes are once again soft and caring, something you don’t see too often in them. “Guess I wasn’t prepared to let you go just yet, Jones, Ianto Jones.”

And there is this comfortable silence again. You nod slightly, turning away and leaving the Hub for the night.


End file.
